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GOP change: flex or fracture? | OPINION
A report leaked from the Heritage Foundation indicates internal strife within the GOP’s shadowy Department of Unforeseen Results (DUR). The rift, centering on congressional stonewalling, pits GOP centrists against leadership. Nerdly Pimple, spokesman for the agency which was formed to neutralize unforeseen fallout from conservative policies, dared to suggest the F-word to Speaker Boehner when the fiscal cliff seems a certainty. DUR’s directors, who unanimously oppose Flexibility, were not amused.
Effective immediately, unforeseen results of GOP policies will no longer be handled by Pimple but will go to Helen A. Hancart, currently professor of Pettifoggery at Bob Jones University.
Some history: Financed by the Capitalism Uber Alles Foundation (CUA), DUR operates under press radar, moving from location to location and never holding the same telephone numbers or e-mail addresses long enough for opposition lawmakers to get a fix on it.
DUR’s mobility poses few internal problems since it operates independent of information sources other than internal advisors. With no input from world news sources, Internet connections, CNN or Congress, the Department is free to retain a sharp focus on its mission.
According to a Bush White House Press bulletin, DUR’s original mission was to ensure that unforeseen results are neutralized. A reliable source stated that should neutralization plans prove ineffective, DUR is to attach responsibility to Democrats, Muslims, France, the United Nations or the poor.
Though DUR originated within the first George W. Bush administration, it is temporarily assigned to the office of Speaker of the House Boehner. While DUR was originally charged with neutralizing unforeseen outcomes clouding the nobility of the Bush agenda, today’s DUR works to assure the public that a stalemated congress is actually the equivalent of stability, a virtue. DUR’s message to the world remains that the United States shall remain the world’s dominant super-power, a warning to uppity trouble-making nations, a hope to godless non-Christians and a market for cheap foreign stuff.
A recently leaked meeting transcript shed light on DUR operations: The first Director of DUR, Attila D. Hunt, when faced with the unforeseen issue of paying $500 million daily to oil producing nations, responded by attempting to twist Arabs’ arms. When that failed, he invoked a three-point message claiming the high cost of energy imports was the result of Arab greed, cost of refining, and opposition to drilling in Alaska’s wildlife reserve. However, the problem persisted and Hunt was fired.
Dr. Billy Joe Bob Cantrell, director of the Heritage Foundation’s special project for National Unity of Thought (NUT) was then brought in to handle Unforeseen Result of an Iraq pacification policy based on the Bush advisor, Wolfowitz’s conviction that “There is no history of ethnic strife in Iraq.” When Iraqi factions persisted in killing Americans and fellow Iraqis, Cantrell directed the DUR to claim that (1) media overstated carnage by focusing on only negative images, and (2) intertribal strife was the work of foreign agitators.
Dudley Warbucks, former CEO of Galactic Defense Inc., took over the reins of DUR during liberal complaints about the nation’s devalued credit rating and dollar, unforeseen results of decreased tax income. Warbucks’ strategy celebrated the weak dollar as incentive for foreigners to buy American products abroad and spend on cheap vacations in the United States. When neither happened, he resigned to return to work on the DOD funded Anti-Martian Invasion Shield Strategy (AMISS).
Dr. C. Merton Woozer was brought in from the Ayn Rand Institute to put DUR back on course. The first unforeseen result to hit his desk was the murmuring of an ungrateful nation against Bush’s plan to re-structure Social Security. Woozer’s strategy harmonized with the President’s scheme to privative the system. Woozer reduced the issue’s talking points to sound-bites which he test-marketed through Fox News and Rush Limbaugh. Points included, “The President has a plan,” “Social Security is doomed without the President’s plan,” and “Privatization, like duct tape, can fix anything.” Note that DUR’s 2013 version is that Social Security is doomed with Obama’s plan and that privatization, like duct tape, can still fix anything. Implementation called for broadcasting three or more Fox sound bites at every commercial break. The program continued until three of ten citizens mumbled them in their sleep.
Woozer’s reign faltered when critics published proof that President Bush’s $3 trillion outlay missed fixing the system while undercutting purchasing power. Woozer regained Bush’s favor by proposing that Social Security be re-designated a matter of national security which allowed the administration to seal the records, thus terminating the debate.
Woozer resigned when both sides of the aisle united to condemn the scheme. At his farewell dinner, the Reverend Dr. Humble Truegood, chaplain of Liberty University, delivered a closing prayer in which he thanked God, “...for condemning liberals and left-leaning Republicans (who obviously don’t know their Personal Lord and Savior as real conservatives do) to a flaming eternity in hell.”
Given the rigid posture of today’s House leadership, DUR is assured of a heavy workload as far as the eye can see.
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